Tears of the Lost
Session Twelve \\ Holy Horrors
Useless. Utterly useless. That is my current state of being. While we did figure out and construct a way back into the Fragments, I am now of no use to anyone.
A shattered arm. A prosthetic foot. Anything else and I may as well retire to a life of uselessness in shadow. What good am I to my mother if I lose the function of all of my limbs?
Now, I mustn’t allow myself to think like that. There is still much I can achieve, even without the use of an arm, and only half the use of a leg. My mind is still strong, and I have a lot of time to think and plan.
That damnable cathedral… I hope that it skips shadows again, and winds up in a place far, far away from me, for the rest of my eternal life.
Session Eleven \\ Piece by Piece
Tal and Galya are safe. I rest a little easier, knowing that. Though perhaps our first introduction was not the most ideal, and I have had little time to spend with Tal, I still think of him as my brother. He and his wife Galya, and their unborn child, held a heavy weight upon my thoughts while the time passed.
But now, they are safe, and now I must, absolutely must, find a way to rescue my mother. I have been working diligently with both uncle Caine and Tal to devise an easier way into the Fragments, as Coral and Nalath may not always be available to cast the spell with me, or willing, as time passes. I feel we are making significant headway in that venture.
Learning more of these Runes that make up the Circles, that will help, I think. And give me more time to spend with Tal and Galya as they wait for their child’s birth. They are the only close family I have. Until I get mother.
Soon. I promise.
Session Ten \\ I Did As You Told Me…
When I apologized to uncle Corwin, I meant it. With all my being, I meant it. I know now that his trumps were being monitored. But he truly did not seem pleased with me. If I could have gotten away from him without such drastic measures, I would have. I had few options.
Not many souls in this universe can say that they have stabbed any one of my uncles and lived all too much longer to talk about it. He told me to, so that we could slip away, and none would be the wiser. I have no pride in that. None, at all.
And we did rescue Martin. I have never been so tired, to simply pass out from the strain of it. But we succeeded, and Martin, while damaged, is safe in Ironwood, with his father.
I am sorry, Uncle Corwin, for having to stab you. It was no pleasure of mine.
Session Nine \\ Not the Same
It seemed like it was ages since I had been to Amber. The real Amber. And in reality, I’m not all that certain how long it really was. Days, weeks, months? It is hard to tell, with all of the chaos that has blossomed in my once, fairly comfortable life. The other council members are speaking of accepting Delwin’s claim to the throne. I myself, am not so certain. Not that I have any personal qualms with Delwin, but I have heard from uncle Corwin that the Unicorn chose uncle Random.
Surely that must have some weight. I don’t expect it to have much with the Chaosites. But my cousins? Well, at least, Svetlana. Maybe Zyth, now that his gods have turned against him so completely. Ezekiel is too new to this reality to give much more than half a damn about it.
On the other hand, Delwin was courteous and polite. Probably eager to get someone to support him. His son, Dashel was quite a change from the other potential ‘heirs’ in my family. More interested in inventions than politics. It was refreshing. But just by being here… I know I’m wrapping myself in that deadly web of family politics…
Session Eight \\ Failure
He was right in front of me. Flesh and blood, which contrary to Zyth’s words, he hadn’t been before. I had watched Ezekial unearth his grave, and there had been a little comfort in seeing his bones. The crater on the other hand, made my stomach churn.
But there he stood, flesh and blood renewed, Werewindle in hand and the Jewel of Judgement about his neck. And what did I do?
I cowered, like a beaten pup. The man who killed my mother. My anger did not disappear, but a realization hit me, as he stared at me. Brand could kill me without much effort. And to preserve myself I swallowed my anger and did as he told.
I feel sick. Nothing is as I wished it would go. My mother, still lost. Brand, back from the dead, for certain this time. And I could do nothing about it. Helpless. Useless.
Mother, I’m so sorry. I stood by and did nothing. I was so afraid.
Session Seven \\ Darker Days
We found the place we wanted to call our own, our Embassy. But, without intention, I lead my cousins and companions into the mouths of dragons. I have never had to shadow walk with a larger group before, and never did I think I’d have to specifically place a qualifier where there were no dragons.
Thankfully, we escaped with our lives and relatively few injuries. I do hope though, that flesh upon my legs returns to normal. I suppose though, it is better than leading everyone to their death. There is that at least.
Session Six \\ Contemplation
I could not protect Simeon. I was not fast enough. And now the boy may die because I was too slow. If not for Nalath, he may have already died. What use am I?
Of even less use, now. I’m watching the others from walk ahead, quite some distance away, and I feel an pain in my chest. Separated, quarantined, all because I was not willing to let a cousin die in front of me. I find myself now kept away from the others, with only Myrrdin and Zythanimaerias for company—one never speaks at all, the other sometimes speaks too much.
Damn you, Zyth. Damn you for all of this. Somewhere, I know it is not all your fault, but for the immediate moment, I hate you. I am tainted, ‘doomed’ as we’ve come to call it. All because I tried to help you.
Session Five \\ Sympathy
I think, a long time ago, one of my uncles told me that sympathy was a foolish thing in an Amberite, that it only ended in pain and ultimately, your death. But sometimes, such a thing cannot be helped. Perhaps I am a fool, but I care little.
There was a time, only a few weeks ago, when I could have sympathized with the young boy sleeping across the room. We could have found some comfort, knowing that someone else understood.
I am a fool. I did not watch my mother die.
‘Save her! Please save her!’
I find myself procrastinating sleep because his words still haunt me. His desperate pleas… And I failed. There was nothing more I could have done for the woman. Guilt and anger plague me tonight, as I check on Simeon and Alvin. So young, and already witness to such horrors. What will come of this?
I hear her voice, and it stirs the anger more. Not towards her, but towards the entire situation. I deserve no thanks. If Simeon stays with us, his life is in jeopardy. If only she knew. I will do my best though, to keep her thanks worth something…
Session Four \\ It Knows No End
The utter sense of helplessness, of lack of control, it just fuels my frustration, my anger, and that empty ache I’ve tried so very hard to ignore these last years.
I had thought her dead. I did my mourning, I grieved. That ache still lingered, all through the years. But as time passed, I managed to bury it. Now it’s bubbling up again, rising up on my anger.
She is alive.
I know that she is alive, but she doesn’t know it is me trying to grasp at her. I reach, and my hands come back empty. And the realization sets my eyes ablaze with restrained tears and great frustration.
She is right there, and I cannot get to her.
And now… I’m even closer. But yet, everything makes no sense. Fragments. Circles. Runes. Seraphim. Nephilim. And mother.
She is here. I must find a way to Glitter. And, I need to bring Tal to Amber with me… if he is truly my brother.
There are many things I must do, but… I find my pace is too slow, for my heart’s liking.
Session Three \\ Mists and Madness
I am surrounded by it, in concept and practice. Amber, home to order. Hah. That too, is utter madness now.
Amber herself, severed from the universe. A terrifying thought, being trapped. Never has Amber felt so hostile. There may be safety to be found, somewhere, but I am still searching for it.
To an extent, I feel a little better when I find myself surrounded in my mists. There is nothing there, unless I choose to see it. Comforting solitude, but at what price? I realize I cannot leave myself open, now. No one is safe here.
And what is worse, that raving madman Zythanimaerias, is throwing around the notion that Brand is alive.
…If that is true, where is my mother? If she too was returned, would she not have contacted me? Or perhaps she is unable, now that I have disappeared from the face of the universe. If she is back, I must get out…
If she is not?
I will send Brand back to the Abyss myself.
Session Two \\ Doom, She Comes…
‘What, looking for your dead mother?’ I hope the man meets a terribly gruesome end. None of that of course, put on Nalath. He’s been quite pleasant,
And Zyth, I thought us to be close. My cousin, I had thought you someone I could trust. I always accounted you to be intelligent. You know damn good and well what Brand did, and to play stupid with me to get what you needed from me… Further insult to injury, my cousin. I did not expect a blade to come from you. I did not expect you to behave like our elders. I feel a great distance beginning between us.
Brand might be back. May, in fact, be responsible for the hell I went through in Chaos. Is, in fact, responsible for the hell I’ve been going through for the past ten years.
How… can he be back, and yet no word of mother? If he rose from the depths, so could she.
I want nothing more to see that bastard burn for what he’s done. …But could I do it by my own hands? Could I do it by any other means? My anger is undeniable, but is it enough to spur me to such drastic actions?
Session One \\ Bloody Hands
I can understand the anger, the distrust the Chaosites are actively displaying. I know that feeling all too well, perhaps even more strongly. It is a wonder they didn’t lash out, even at the table. We should count ourselves lucky that they didn’t. To have one of their own nearly slaughtered at the welcome dinner, well, from experience I know I would have lost the hold on my temper.
I’ve gotten better at it, since mother’s death. Controlling my temper, that is. If that bastard had been anywhere near arm’s reach when Aunt Fi told me, I would have torn him apart. Actually, I might still, if I ever see him again. Though I doubt I will. He fell, long ago, with mother… And she hasn’t returned. They never will.
However, that was then, and this is now, but I can still feel the anger and outrage. Such feelings do not pass quickly. It has been ten years, and I still find myself staring into an open wound. The Chaosites are quite unlikely to be any different than we and so far from home.
I suppose for now I will do my best to be kind, and make their stay comfortable. I don’t mind so much, keeping an eye on them, if they’re civil. Sophia’s company is enjoyable. It’s nice to have another lady around the place with Yazmin and I.
We shall just have to see how things play out from here. I can guarantee though, that things will be much more interesting in the future.